Journals971
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A war for my soul:
2 min read
My father having recently become aware that yes, he too is made of the same stuff as us lesser mortals is theatrically making a big deal about it and making these baseless assumptions about how if he has health problems too that must mean he must therefore also be dying and so he is redoubling his efforts to control my every waking moment... telling me what he feels I should like and think and what it is I should want to go be doing even more than he ever has before. I'm not a carbon copy of him and so... this doesn't work. It does get "in my head" and rattle me though while I am attempting to do things. Which is probably why he does it. When he sees I am in the middle of stuff. Yes, tells me which opinions (his) I ought to have, that the things I like and am interested in are all bad and wrong and that I should like the ones he tells me to (which are his preferences) instead and also that I am no good at anything plus he feels he is better than me at everything. I'll try humoring him with "Uh-huh. Hmm. Yeah? That's interesting..." type generic half listening answers but it's still frustrating and eventually I explode about how... no, I SHOULD have some say in what it is that I think, feel and like and that he isn't the one who decides all of that... which is bad, because then he gets super mega ultra offended and takes it out on the rest of the family because he is angry at me. Also my brother continues being physically violent towards me and my mother. I have to MAKE my father force him to apologize and then they both get mad at me... like I'm supposed to pretend a mentally retarded fella whupping his mother and brother any time he gets upset is fine and good. 
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Irrational guilt trips:
2 min read
My father is good at these.
One that strikes me as particularly odd is a financial one he does where he throws at me that because I am such a horrible human being for having supposedly cost him so very much money to raise that any and all earnings I make if and when I work from paychecks somehow ought to all go to him.
My mother has always been of the opinion that there should be a feeling of accomplishment you get from the tasks you complete and achievements you receive on your own from the sweat, physical and mental toil of one's own brow. Dad would tell me that everything which I do manage should only be through his grace of allowing it or helping me and that it is alright for him to be proud of it as something which he did but, not, good heavens no (whatever simply were you thinking you silly boy to even entertain any notion otherwise?), something which I ought to feel any sense of personal accomplishment about.
When I'd protest that "but what sort of incentive then would there be for me in such a set up?" the man would angrily retort that I should just fuck off and/or die.
My father is a strange and not altogether pleasant individual who chooses to perceive others not being as enraptured by him talking about himself and his past as he himself is to be the equivalent to a type of bullying or oppression which he is put upon for having to evidently suffer through.
Though I intensely dislike the man I still find the notion of outright hating him to be conflicting. On the one hand, he has told me several times to go kill myself. On he other, he is family and as my biological father in that sense sired me. I do find myself increasingly embarrassed to be related to him though following these attacks, as I get older.
I apologize for emotionally spilling my guts on the page in such a fashion, venting and airing out my dirty laundry as it were.
One that strikes me as particularly odd is a financial one he does where he throws at me that because I am such a horrible human being for having supposedly cost him so very much money to raise that any and all earnings I make if and when I work from paychecks somehow ought to all go to him.
My mother has always been of the opinion that there should be a feeling of accomplishment you get from the tasks you complete and achievements you receive on your own from the sweat, physical and mental toil of one's own brow. Dad would tell me that everything which I do manage should only be through his grace of allowing it or helping me and that it is alright for him to be proud of it as something which he did but, not, good heavens no (whatever simply were you thinking you silly boy to even entertain any notion otherwise?), something which I ought to feel any sense of personal accomplishment about.
When I'd protest that "but what sort of incentive then would there be for me in such a set up?" the man would angrily retort that I should just fuck off and/or die.
My father is a strange and not altogether pleasant individual who chooses to perceive others not being as enraptured by him talking about himself and his past as he himself is to be the equivalent to a type of bullying or oppression which he is put upon for having to evidently suffer through.
Though I intensely dislike the man I still find the notion of outright hating him to be conflicting. On the one hand, he has told me several times to go kill myself. On he other, he is family and as my biological father in that sense sired me. I do find myself increasingly embarrassed to be related to him though following these attacks, as I get older.
I apologize for emotionally spilling my guts on the page in such a fashion, venting and airing out my dirty laundry as it were.
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Programming:
1 min read
I do not know as much as I would like to about computer programming. The way I would think of computer languages then is as methods of arranging tasks. You order the small steps in a particular sequence with special formatting to have the machine go through a more complex process in an organized way. 
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[I] have been working on my senior research project and fighting with depression issue crud.
What's up?
What's up?
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A few things at a time:
3 min read
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