Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
So I've been trying the online dating thing again lately and for the most part just come up with a whole lot of bupkis.  It's like highschool, the girls tend to be really friendly at first, then once you actually start trying to arrange a date they effing disappear.*

I've been corresponding with this one really funny chick though and I'm kind of hoping that at some point or other once things get a little less crazy I can hop on the amtrak/caltrain to go meet her in person.  I don't know yet if we'll get along as well offline as we have so far online but the only way to find out is to go on an irl (i.e. not virtual) date.

Apparently the going rate of the bluebook value for your basic no-frills Mr. Nice Guy type still isn't very good in this current market but your friendly used boyfriend dealer is more than happy to arrange payment plans should you choose to trade up for a sportier model which comes in brawnier, stupider, more obedient or wealthier. :groucho:

*which is totally infuriating because then you become the badguy if you call them out on that garbage.  Look, okay, just be effing honest and if you don't want to go out with a guy, don't tell him you do and then vanish.  It hurts less if you just get blunt and tell him you aren't interested. I mean, what-the-:censored: is this crap?!
  • Listening to: moral lectures on how I'm a bad ____[insert blank]
  • Reading: bioinformatics and phylogenetic analysis
  • Watching: My schedule get all effed up
  • Drinking: tea
DISCLAIMER & WARNING: This is another Op-Ed piece where the author scathingly criticizes a position he finds absurd or ludicrous in a subjective manner:
You know, (US based) religious extremists crack me up when they get their troubled little pea brains into local politics.
Whether it's a far-right wingnut griping about how he thinks GOD WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN for tolerating that gay people exist and that sometimes people have sex or a far-left moonbat claiming the Apocalypse is nae because of too much pollution or that businesses run on a profit seeking model, they invariably wind up delving into that favorite staple of pseudo-authority swathed in vaguely religious overtones... The Rapture.  This is the part where they get their hyped up ranting and raving on full-swing and start throwing irrational mud at you for daring to well, for want of a better or more fitting description, not exactly have completely the same dogma as them.  Where does the Rapture come from? Well, it's in part of the Book of Revelations, which even if you can make sense of most of the rest of the Bible, is (and this tends to be a general consensus among groups of moderate academians and theologists), like much of the rest of the Apocrypha basically a hodge-podge madlibs section of scripture placed that is placed there at the end after the meat that makes up the main narrative of cool stuff in the Old and New Testaments.  You can f*cking interpret that any way you want... it is super ambiguous and no two distinct denominations probably seem like they'd ever be able to reach a full agreement on it.
This is also the part of the spiel where even though that dude is jabbering at you you can take a moment to get some popcorn.  Like some bad disaster or low budget scifi movie the ranter will yammer about how whatever thing it is in society he or she dislikes is going to bring about fiery doom, angels descendng down for rightful vengeance among the wicked, Satan's army of hellspawn rising up to torment survivors from the initial doom and calamity, the dead rising up again to like wait in some cosmic equivalent of the passport office or a DMV to get processed for Judgment (in order to get their go to heaven or hell license, one surmises) and other hackneyed predictable twists (You get extra points if he or she goes above and beyond by reaching into the generalized assorted hysterical person grab-bag and brings up government cover up, lost civilizations, ancient alien astronauts, a hollow-earth, counter-earth hiding behind the opposite side of the sun from us, shape-shifters or space Nazis, oh my!).

Try not to make eye-contact, and don't even attempt at reasonably debating with them. At this point they are exhibiting a state that is created from reaching the height of their fervor.  This is basically the poor-man's illogic armor to combat whatever rational counter points you may bring up via the rehashing of old dead horses that are in the form of conspiracy theories. See, the thinking is these people feel so threatened by the idea of not everybody having the same opinions as what they personally hold to be true and right that rather than accepting that full on reality of existing in a society involves somewhat complex levels of interactions (individual to individual, groups to groups, individuals to group, group to individual & etc.), since that kind of analysis takes a certain amount of serious thought and decent effort, it would be a whole lot more fun to run around bashing people in some grand moralistic crusade that takes place in some sort of a fantasy land. 

Okay people, whatever. You can now claim I'm part of some mysterious and terrifying secret society of over-privileged gentlemen that would benefit from civilization's doom if you like, but that isn't going to change how I find it annoying that there are people running around screaming and namecalling ad-hominem shit at folks who for the most part are just honestly down to earth folks trying to work their jobs, pay their dues, make their way in society and put food on the table for themselves and their families.  It will however make me nonsarcastically bless that we have Freedom of Speech because it provides so much material to make comedy fodder about.*

*It also grants me the privilege to make fun of that stuff in a sarcastic manner, should I choose to!
  • Listening to: lecture on how arranging stuff = a pain in the ass
  • Reading: bioinformatics and phylogenetic analysis
  • Watching: My schedule get all effed up
  • Playing: Legacy of a Thousand Suns
  • Eating: cheese omelette with hot sauce
  • Drinking: tea
I do notice and appreciate being friends with him but figure the guy can't help but feel somewhat neglected as of late due to how busy I've been with crud.

So I'll tell you guys a little about him.  This guy has got to be like one of the best, most seriously skilled artists I know and he isn't super cocky about it either. As in, he lets his paintbrush do the talking instead of his mouth when it comes to showing people how good he is.  Guy deserves something nice for being my friend so many years and all, so I should figure something cool to surprise him with a little later.

Also, it's another friend of mine's birthday soon so I've gotta deposit my paycheck and hurry up and get him a present like I'd said I would.  Hopefully it won't be too late (we'd discussed a special action figure on online auction but since delivery takes awhile with online shopping maybe I should get him a gift certificate from the local comic store instead?).
  • Reading: Microbial Physiology
  • Playing: Astroflux
I decided what I'm going to do after I graduate is work awhile and make some comic books (the latter of which is something I've always wanted to do and the former is because I don't have much money at the moment).  Dad is insisting he thinks I ought to go to France after I graduate because that is something he'd like to do.
I don't want to because I don't speak any French.

I'm going to join the army as a scientist so that I can use the GI Bill to pay for medical school (mom's idea).
:giggle:... I'll be Captain Luke when I get out. :D

Also, they say chicks dig a guy in uniform, right?
I'll be able to afford stuff and it'll be good, I think.
By doing my training through the army I'll have access to some of the most advanced medical tech in the world. Also, this'll help get my shitty grades up on the fast track.  Being a vet is like the college equivalent of being a VIP/varsity football player in high school.

My stupid exgirlfriend continues to harass me on different phone numbers after I block each one. In the very last thing I'd said to her I made it clear to her that I'd rather clean the inside of a toilet bowl with my tongue than [ever] get back together with her.  There's no chance in heaven or hell I'd get back together with some crazy bitch who accused me of witchcraft + intent to rape (for getting along okay with her family because I had manners in the former case and for giving her a hug when she was upset (over said getting along as it turned out unbeknownst to me at the time) in the latter case) with zero evidence just for drama's sake, and especially not after she'd been rude to me, my family and friends and insulted my faith.  Also no, I'm not going to marry somebody who insisted that there would never be any sex if we did get married (:wtf:).  She's attempting to use how she'd forced me to agree promising to marry her* before she'd go out with me at the beginning of our 'relationship' as a way to guilt me into breaking my silence and talking to her again... but it's not going to work.  Look at it this way: What possible sane reason would I want to spend the rest of my life with a person who isn't even nice to me?

Here's a thought: Hmm, golly gee! I could actually be going out with someone who is nice to me and is not high maintenance. I know, shocking, right? :sarcasm:
1950s plz: :cynic: "Hey, you want to go to the sockhop or share a malt with me?"
*We were never really formally engaged; I'd bought her a little pre-engagement ring (a goldwire band that featured a sapphire set in the center) with a little over half of one month's salary as a compromise.  Which no, was totally not worth the subsequent emotional pain in retrospect.

As a future Doctor and US Army Captain (maybe on that second one?) I don't have time for silly little girls.  Especially not dumb ones who won't understand that stalking a person is not cute nor is it funny.  In one last final bit of retrospective analysis it would seem her ego refuses to accept that after being yanked around and too much off and on plus calling stuff off multiple times on her part that a fella can just fall out of love with ya.  That being said, this is seriously going to be the last time I ever mention her in a journal (best way to deal with a bad behavior is to starve it to death rather than rewarding it with more attention).  Listen kiddies, if you want an adult relationship, then you've gotta behave like an adult; There aren't any shortcuts.

I finally feel sort of a little (dare I say it) like my life is getting back on the right track a bit.  I've got to admit, once again having something to look forward to feels a whole lot better than when your dreams are stomped on and destroyed.  There have been people on both sides of my family who were soldiers and officers going at least as far back as WWII.  I was very depressed when it seemed like my future had been taken away from me.  Adapting my goals and plans to still achieve anyway in spite of my oppressors helped me realize something finally though: Namely that the doors I had been led to believe were locked (which was all of them) were not all locked.  That is to say, they were simply closed.  With a regained sense of direction and purpose things seem a good deal less hopeless.
  • Reading: Microbial Physiology
  • Playing: Astroflux

Vampires, Werewolves and Zombies, oh my!

Journal Entry: Tue Mar 25, 2014, 2:44 PM
What is undeath?
It preys on one of our underlying psychological fears and is present as a collective unconscious archetype in folklores across various cultures.  What these different monsters have in common is a spreadable mode of transmission.  If you are bitten by one, you become one.  That is thought by anthropologists to be representative of a fear of disease.  Yet what then is undeath?
Zombies are thought of as a rotting infection ... a necrosis of the person in addition to the flesh.  Werewolves are thought to represent rabies.  Vampires... are nocturnal and have hypnotic powers... they have to do with a fear of predators and have a few key characteristics of blood disease.

Undeath is a bizarre stasis.  It is a different state, neither life nor death.  A primal fear but of what?
The closest thing in nature to undeath I can think of is the state of being of viruses.  Virions and other infectious particles lacking a nucleus, organelles and the ability to reproduce independently on their own without a host vehicle (in other words, obligate parasites) are tiny microscopic monsters.  Instead of silver, holy water or a wooden stake the tools of a disease hunter are vaccines, hygiene and antibiotics.

  • Reading: Excelsior! The Amazing Life of Stan Lee
Why I chose to be a Republican has a lot to do with a reaction against my father and the way he threw so much left-wing dogma at us all the time.
I guess you could think of me as a liberal conservative then.  People who think the government owes them a bunch of stuff (entitlement issues) kind of tick me off and I know some of the unions out there are pretty corrupt. 

On the other hand, yeah I do think sometimes it takes agencies to nudge businesses into doing stuff for the common social good, especially when there is resistance to adopting a necessary change because said change is not viewed as profitable.  Otherwise, if left to their own devices it probably would not happen.
Where I take some issue though is when it comes to certain types of over regulation and specific anti-competitive practices that worm their way into getting signed into legislation.  That shit seems reminiscent to me of the spoils system and seems entirely all too convenient toward helping your particular special interest buddies (at the expense of everybody else and of a fair market) for you to tell me it's just a coincidence.

No, it doesn't mean I effing hate gays or want to kill off any endangered animals or other crazy far right garbage.  The way I figure it, on the former,- they pay their damned taxes and work for a living too, just like straight people, so as long as married gay people continue to make those basic positive contributions to the community they live in, I don't think letting 'em be married is nearly as much of a social issue as uber religious people would like to make it out to be.
As for the latter, the image of every Republican as some trigger happy destructive asshole who wants to blow up nature is kind of a stereotype.  I happen to like commerce and businesses.  Enough that being slightly conservative just kind of makes sense.  Some of the technologies I research as a scientist are ways to clean up pollution from the environment so: :nana: I'm (synthetic) rubber and you're (biodegradable) glue, whatever labels you throw bounce off of me and temporarily stick to you.
;P Plus dude, you are totally littering. Go pick those labels up off the ground.

Also, hey: Abraham Lincoln, "The Great Emancipator" was a Republican, and you guys seem to like him just fine.
  • Reading: Excelsior! The Amazing Life of Stan Lee
Says I should not have any friends or ever date because he thinks I'm a loser. :roll:

He also says he thinks they should be interested in him instead.  That doesn't usually work though.

He further likes it when I am broke and is displeased when I have money.

He gets jealous when I do well in school yet also angry when I do poorly. :shrug:

The man is a piece of work.

I hate always being broke.  I'd saved like crazy as a kid and while I was a teen specifically so that I'd have some money to spend on stuff when I got older... and what happened as a result? The combined actions last year of one ex-girlfriend's endless calling (to spite my protests) thousand dollar phonebill and my penny pinching father double dipping into my funds to pay for some of his own garbage have reduced my life's-savings to rubbish.

I hate that.  It feels like despite all my best planning and preparation there will always be a selfish asshole or two who homes in on it and tries to destroy the opportunities I've worked for to create for myself.  This gets me rather depressed because it's designed (at least in my father's case) to prove that everything I do (or even try) is futile and so he can feel powerful and in complete control of everything I do.  It bothers him that he cannot control or otherwise govern my thoughts to the extent he would like to though.  Bizarre punishments to "teach me a lesson" are doled out every time I do something to be the slightest bit independent from him as I start to get out from under his boot.

These people are hostile and malevolent towards the notion of other people having wants or needs.  Come to think of it, so was my other stupid most recent ex-girlfriend.  These people... they insist somehow that their feelings and expressing them no matter how much of an inconvenience it is to those around them are of the utmost priority and so very much more important than whatever it is which the other person may be doing or engaged in at the time.  Such colossal selfishness is disgusting.

My computer is a bit broken and for some reason even though it had 8Gb of RAM physically installed, lately the diagnostic claims it only has 4 now.  I'm a bit baffled by that but don't exactly have much time to look into fixing it at the moment (I suspect that either the clips on one of the bays possibly got knocked loose during reassembly the time my friend and I took it apart at the electronics store when I was seeking upgrades or that perhaps worst case one of the sticks of RAM got corrupted) as I'm several modules behind in my bioinformatics class and class gets increasingly mortifying to attend the further behind I get.

Update: I skipped class today to try and get caught up in homework. Noticed why my computer was being slow was there was a virus on it. Nuked the virus. It was still being slow on restart so I took it apart... discovered one of the RAM sticks had been knocked loose from the cache slot. Reattached stick of RAM.  Tore a wire or strip of magnetic tape connecting the keyboard to the motherboard while I was putting it back together though.  Machine would not turn on.  Dad screaming at me he thinks I cost him too much money and am "always breaking things!".
Can use the Internet and read pdfs on old computers but they do not have my docs, projects, .exe stuff and programs on them. >_<  Those are all in my broken computer.

The repair shop pulled some fast moves on my dad and had him salvage the drive out into a new case and board for $700. :facepalm: He howled at me more about that.  And :ohmygod: They also managed to lose my memory card while swapping the two. >_<  Said they'll hold onto the card for me.  Dad says he will NOT go back there to get it today. 
  • Reading: Excelsior! The Amazing Life of Stan Lee
Disclaimer: This is bound to offend some people.  Try to take it in stride though (If I can't blurt out opinions and shit on my mind within the sanctity of my own journal space from time to time then there isn't much of a point to having one).  If you are easily offended or have a stick up your *ss about religion (they tend not to be mutually exclusive) then you will probably want to skip this entry.

One thing I don't get about other Christians are the denominations that get all hung up on sex.
I can think of so many worse things that are detrimental to society and involve hurting people more (abuse of recreational drugs and murder come to mind, primarily)... and yet these guys get so bent out of shape, they act like two consenting adults making love (yes, even or especially when it is in private) is tantamount to rape in terms of badness level.  The absolute worst thing of all isn't gay marriage or sex outside of marriage if you ask me.  If you ask me (and yes, I know nobody did), one of the worst things you can do as a human being is demonize everybody else all the time in order to feel good about yourself and dismiss your own bad behavior towards other people.  Morays aside, Is it not one's Christian duty to be as civilized and good an example as possible in one's community in order to be a bulwark of good deeds and be viewed as an upstanding citizen?  When did this devolve into excuses for lectures about fire and brimstone, little witchhunts fingerpointing at painted/folk devils and a heckuva lot of judginess about how much inherently better than others you feel you are because of your particular faith?  This is my message to other supposed "Christians": Look, if you want to be a superior human being,... and I believe that you do because your conception of pleasing God is usually tied into that (read superior human being as "a more faithful servant"), why not have it be through superior actions?  Not through condemnation of others from your lazy ass holier-than-thou soapbox, but actually getting up off that 'enlightened' buttocks and doing some things to help the downtrodden in one's community.  I'm pretty sure that Jesus didn't go through the whole dying for mankind's sins by crucifixion and then resurrection thing specifically just so you could have the privilege of going around being a collossal douchebag to people X# of millenia later.

What cracks me up is these same people usually grief me about how they think medicine and biotechnology are sinful and wrong... when there actually aren't any specific references to that stuff in the Bible.  There's no commandment that says: "Thou shalt not splice genes."  Trying to illustrate this point to said people is usually pointless though.  As is pointing out that I don't *really* do anything using dead babies or human embryos and that I mostly just work with bacteria, some plants and fungi. :headache:

:megaphone: No you f*cker, it isn't eugenics, and no naive-ignorant motherf*cker, I'm not doing unethical crap to people ala Dr. Mengele.  Find some other sh*thead to give drama to and throw crap at. :roll:  Does it never occur to folks that maybe somebody who likes biology and medicine is interested in those things because he wants to use them to help people?

Also, I think I should put in an effort to work on swearing a good deal less.  From counting the number of expletives on here alone it has become apparent to me.
  • Reading: Excelsior! The Amazing Life of Stan Lee
Yesterday was my father's birthday.
My mom's leg was feeling pretty messed up so I went to the stores to get the presents and the cake for the ungrateful old bastard.
He told us he got more cards & a virtual cake from people on Facebook (F*ck you Mark Zuckerberg, you assh*le :grump:) and we had a hard time getting him into the room.  He didn't say thank you for his cake or his presents but did say wow and that he liked or would find a few of them useful.

For his presents I'd picked out some 100 page special 1970s Marvel Treasury Edition prints of Dr. Strange and The Incredible Hulk and some formal socks.
  • Reading: Excelsior! The Amazing Life of Stan Lee
You know how there's that inner critic inside your brain sometimes where it's like: "Dude/girl, don't try out that new thing because you're probably going to suck at it and people are gonna laugh at you or be mean to ya about it?"  Well, yeah here are some ways to tell that destructive little jackass to shut the fuck up.

a.) Remind yourself that everybody starts out bad at something new and the way to get better at it is through practice.
b.) Reflect on that anybody who is going to laugh at you or be exceptionally mean to you about your first attempt at something is probably a jerk anyway.
c.) ... You usually can't learn how without messing up a certain number of times along the way. Much like those old "Nintendo Hard" level sidescrollers in terms of difficulty, this is life's equivalent to Contra or Ghosts 'n Goblins. What do I mean by that?  Well, as most gamers will attest, in a game that is "Nintendo Hard", you have to f*cking crash and burn or die every possible way in order to know which traps to avoid, the way out of a tricky maze, where enemies are going to attack and where all the hidden treasures are.  Most things are a good deal less dramatic than that but the idea remains constant.  There are some things in life where it is an important part of the experience that the only way for you to go through is having to start over a whole bunch of times on something difficult, each time getting a little closer toward your goal and honing your knowledge of earlier mistakes you'd made to avoid... the end target being that one hella/super sweet "perfect run" which is the stuff that geeky dreams are made of.  You know the one. The one that makes you feel like kind of a badass and showing off to people up until some wiseacre asks you how many hours or lives it took you to beat the game. :facepalm:
I wonder why astrobiology is usually considered a domain of physics instead of the life sciences. :shrug:
Fell asleep with my phone out next to me again. Woke up with it either in the bed clothes or under the bed. 
Need to do more laundry and make the bed. Didn't have time to go look for it because was running late and had to head out the door.

Dad is angry at me for being behind in my subjects and in a very thinks-he-knows-it-all fashion has been pontificating that it is the fault (he thinks) of my extra curriculars and that I ever go out with anybody,... :blahblah: Says that I should not have any friends and that I should never date. :roll:

While on that subject, I've gotten one concrete yes from all the wishy washy maybes and people who said maybe but really turned out to mean no so far (God those piss the hell out of me), and I think I kinda like her (She seems smart, sassy and like she'd be cuddly).
Gal lives in SF and wants to go to the planetarium.  I don't think I've ever been to that one so it should be pretty cool.  She's studying to be a veterinarian.  I think the insides of animals are pretty interesting.

On the subject of homework: Hey, wtf; I'm always kind of behind.  That's because there's always more being assigned at a constant, steady pace. 
Also, I kind of like videogames, much to my parents' displeasure.
Well, maybe because blasting stuff to smithereens in virtual outer space or with magic fireballs for points tends to be alot more interesting than being constantly lectured at about how apparently I have to suck at everything and am the worst ________[insert blank] ever.

On the subject of fanfictions:  I'm thinking through what I want to have happen in Advanced Iron Man #3 and am eager to get started on Advanced Dr. Strange #2,... I've also got a funny little Venture Bros thing I've been meaning to do for awhile where I insert a character loosely based on myself as a procrastinating intern who gets hired by Rusty because he's willing to work for college credits instead of a salary (yes, I know having OC's based on yourself is kind of vain and egotistical... I'll probably have him get killed off in a very anticlimactic way though - early on, which will somewhat make up for that).  I remember ZombieDaryl and I were talking one time about the concept of exploring what could happen to lost Hank and Dean clones like what if some had survived but ended up permanently separated from the Venture compound or were trapped in another dimension sort of Reboot Style and became these badass adults from having had to mature "in the zone."

The way I'm thinking I'd have this go is obviously I'd have the intern probably save Hank's life with some sort of ray to fry something that was attacking the Venture brothers but Hank won't like him much because the intern will strike him as a geek.  I'll go with the current emo Dean and I guess while the intern dies maybe they'll find a note later in his locker or in the lab where he said how much a pleasure it was getting to work for somebody he'd idolized or some other stupid tearjerker type move.  Yeah, I'm thinking death via getting stomped on by a gigantic Monarch Mecha thingy would be a suitable way to have the fella go out.  Then I'll have Hank and Dean go, "Man, I kind of liked that guy" then have everybody move on to business as usual.

Also, the trope of having a son of a villain decide to be a good guy is a little cliche so maybe I'll put a twist on it where this character also had a friend growing up who did a face-heel turn or went the opposite way of him instead.  I'll have the backstory be that the intern's dad is some Lex Luther-esque evil businessman who may or may not have some Guild ties and is egomaniacal (Ex: To Dean (dismissively): "You think you had it bad being carted around from country to country all the time? Try growing up in a lair that has statues and paintings of your dad all over the place."  Then cue Dr. Venture having Sgt. Hatred do some furniture moving while he tries to decide where to put a large portrait of himself he says he really thinks looks good... and Dean subsequently having a panic attack).

> Lifewise I have resigned myself to the conclusion based on observation that girls just never like me much.  :shrug: So might as well revel in nerddom and geekery then, right? <- The way they see it I'm use once, throw away, like a kleenex or some sort of tampon. :laughing: 
E.g. Oh you seem like a nice guy :stab: let's see what kind of bitchy crap I can do to make you feel like shit :plotting: and fuck with your self-esteem! This should be fun!

For a long time growing up all throughout my adolescence I wrestled/grappled with fighting the notion in the back of my mind that the only realistic way to make that loneliness and need for human contact, the want for female companionship to go away might be to commit suicide.  :headache:
I do still feel that way about junk of that nature a good chunk of the time but it's like a friend of mine told me this one time:  "Ending it (your life) over some bitch who doesn't even care about you isn't worth it."  I guess the plural of it could also be true as well... as in, it's never worth it to end your life over stupid bitches.
Which no, is in no way meant to suggest that all women are bitches.  Realistically, some of them are. Some aren't. Duh, I know that some aren't because there are certain ones I look up to like my mom and female friends.  Just, don't pretend like all women are always great.  They can be just as flawed as men.
Men and women, :shrug: we're not a different species. :slap:  We're two halves of the same species.  It's called sexual dimorphism you git (grow up! Enough of this immature and lame men are from Mars, women are from Venus, battle of the sexes justification type idiological crappola :unimpressed:)... which is why unlike fantasy dwarves where both the men and the women have beards and stout muscles, in human beings the sexes look somewhat different from one another.

Look, okay, as far as romance goes, pretty much nobody likes me likes me. Ever.  They just pretend to. When they want stuff and think there is something to get out of it. :slamhead:
That is, until they get bored or see somebody they view as more immediately successful or more powerful show up.  Then they zoom on over to be groupies for and fawn over that douchebag. :movingon:
Here is the part where things get rather adult: Sexual frustration:
Also depressing is the reflection that so far in my life the only time I've ever had sex it was with a crazy bitch who thought that she could use it to try and force me to marry her.  Yes, in this day and age, there are still some super dumb backwards and backwoods people who think you can force somebody to marry you against his or her will.  She'd even laughed at the notion I'd opined I ought to have some sort of a say in it about whether I wanted to marry her or not... so for my own good I ended things before it got any worse.  She can argue all she wants... with ghosts (of the past/memories).  Did I also mention that this girl, before we'd ever even had any sex faked a pregnancy, claimed I was the father and I wasted a whole f*cking afternoon going down with her to a gynecologist to prove that no, you don't get pregnant when there isn't any intercourse involved and through several layers of clothing + underwear?  Yeah, of course she had a shit ton of drama to try and rattle my cage and get up in my head up to that point about how what if she had to get an abortion... the doc was funny though, little old Jewish lady. She's like: Congratulations, it's a... yeast :lol:.  Having sex with that exgirlfriend wasn't fun either.  I'd quintuple check the condom for any tears each time before then triple check again after and always be sure to use my own since I knew I couldn't trust her not to poke holes in them, yet she'd always be like: Oh, what if there was a hole?  Also she'd pretty much talk about herself the entire time during the act (complaining about things she'd disliked about her appearance) and criticize me for "being too big" and "lasting too long" and also, for not knowing exactly everything there is to know about how to do various positions... when I was the one who was the virgin. :sarcasticclap: I was pretty sure the nice reasonable thing to do when sexually active is for the more experienced partner to help explain stuff to the partner who is less experienced.
:sarcasticclap::roll:  That really sucked. Please, tell me that not all sex is always going to be that bad. :roll::sarcasticclap:
<- What I guess the take away from that is my advice to people who are virgins and looking to have sex for the first time is this: It's probably a good idea to make sure it's with somebody who like, actually likes you and cares about you as a person a bit.  :stare: Makes for much less pain and drama.
Hmm. I can talk about sex a little bit, right?  This doesn't break a bunch of rules or violate the T.O.S. hopefully?
Like if you guys got super offended by any of that in the above paragraph just give me a holler and I'll be sure not to talk about that sort of thing so vividly ever again, ok? :wave:
I may have mentioned this before but my allergist's voice sounds kind of like Jeff Bridges.

During my appointment with him yesterday I found out he and my psychiatrist are acquainted with each other (small world, eh? Well, come to think of it, doctors often locally belong to chapters of the same clubs and medical associations as each other, so I guess it's not that surprising, but when Dr. Dude was like: "Hey, I know that guy!", that reminded me there are whole sides to teachers and professionals as human beings that clients may overlook).  I also again was reminded by him that I'm still allergic to cats and that from what he could see my nasal mucosa tissues and lung stuff still seemed a bit irritated from the animal dander.  Doc and I know trying to urge mom to get rid of the cats is a losing battle because she's refused every time either of us have brought it up in the past. :shrug: I don't dislike the cats but their fur makes me itchy and get kinda congested.

I'm still stressing some about finances and my GPA being kinda lower than I'd like it to be. 
[I] was going to have a date on Saturday to see the Star Wars exhibit at the Tech Museum but she had to cancel due to some family junk that came up at the last second.  She said she was sorry and felt pretty bad about it but I told her not to worry too much because we could totally reschedule since the exhibit is running 'til the 23rd.  She seems like a nice lady but I wonder if she really is going to still want to go with me to it later since she so far hasn't returned my texts or done the follow up suggesting an alternate time like we had discussed.  It's theoretically possible that her phone has been out since the last few times she did answer me over the weekend it was through messaging on the dating website we're using, but I know better than to get my hopes up.

In a way it's good she had to raincheck because dad pulled enough drama on purpose with headtrips about how he doesn't approve of me going out and thinks I should not date people at all that I would have wound up being over an hour late to it if the date had still been on.

:hmm: Beyond that, it seems as though girls never seem to really like me that much anyway... and I wonder though if I'll ever run into one who will treat me with dignity and respect in a romantic relationship.
It's okay to be behind and working to catch up. :dead:

A friend of mine explained it to me. He went: Luke, it's okay to be happy on your birthday.

Like, existentially, the shit that we have to do... it doesn't matter so much as we think it might, some of the time.  As in, still do your all to get it done but you don't necessarily have to stress out about it. :faint:

For a long time I've been a nervous wreck.  Taking some time out to enjoy myself was... :shrug: kind of hard.

The support group I'm in, there's a lesson they were going over about letting go of the preconditioned guilt.  I know how that may sound, and you may be scratching your head wondering if that means an open floodgate to being selfish but it doesn't.
When talking about features or organs a Homologue = something that is similar due to shared ancestry.
Analogue = something that provides a similar function but is not due to shared ancestry.

Hardy Weinberg Equilibrium = a null model establishing four conditions that must be met for no evolution to occur in a population.  Usually it is in proving that at least one of those four conditions is not met that you prove evolution is going on.

Speciation event= situations in a timeline/ancestry tree where a population diverges enough to cause a new species to arise.
Migration, mutation, genetic drift, sexual selection, etc. can be forces for change to occur over time.

Genetic drift is tricky for me to explain.  It's related to yet different from migration and I believe may also have a bit to do with nonrandom mating?

If you think people came from an ape or a monkey then I'm sorry chap hate to break this to you but you would seem to fundamentally misunderstand how evolution works.  Modern apes and monkeys are not the ancestors of modern homo sapiens, rather, it is more accurate to say we share a common primate ancestor if you go back far enough.
She did pretty well considering it was her first time.
She also had the foresight to realize that no, we probably shouldn't add each other on our main accounts because that would be embarrassing. :aww:
I'm proud of her.
That instead of saving half of what I make and spending half that I will save 3/4 and spend 1/4.  Of course dad is bitching to mom how he thinks I should never *get* to spend any money at all, and more malarky about how he thinks everything I ever earn should always belong to him, but damnit, I pay taxes on it and I haven't just been contributing towards their mortgage, I've been paying 12th and 13th payments on their second AND he's been having me pay for our rental property too (without any intention of me ever owning either place, something both my exgirlfriends refused to understand) for years now.  The older I get the more aggressively my father tries to take over everything in my life, instead of less.  He resents my potential to have growing fledgling autonomy as a young man. He also seems to think that simply by verbally "disallowing" me to do things (things which he dislikes) it will prevent me from physically doing them anyway.  It is as though we do not live in the same worlds.

He expresses a desire to be in charge of all my homework, to forbid me from extracurricular activities and also to restrict my access to friends, but it doesn't stop there.
He has unilaterally decided what it is he thinks I should be interested in doing after graduation (which is naturally of course something that he likes and has little to do with my own interests), shat on what pieces of my plans have come to his attention, decided he thinks he should choose where it is I decide to work and live after school, and that furthermore he should get to be in charge of pretty much my entire adult life, up to and including when and what I eat and all of my scheduling,.

I feel like this vampire needs to get taken down a notch before he parasitizes my entire life in every aspect.
He tries to insist on knowing where I am and what I'm up to (and my mother too) at all times and gets upset when we evade answering him or tell him not to be so nosey but is deeply protective of the majority of those same details when it comes to things going on in his own personal life.  This double standard is obnoxious.

The only way I can teach him a lesson is yes, to fight against it, but unlike how I have fought against it in the past, I must alter my strategy to fight smarter rather than necessarily harder.  It will necessitate getting more sneaky.  That he attacks me both when I do well and when I do poorly tells me that although yeah, I do have grief at the loss and acceptance that I never had that healthy father-son relationship growing up that in addition to what I'd already surmised some years back about how no amount of wishing he'd change would get him to because instead of a father figure he behaves more like an inappropriately competitive rival, and also that he has consistently congratulated himself whenever I have accomplished something (or elstwise severely downplayed it), that it also would suggest he is wrong.

That my father has to fight so hard to maintain that absurd level of emotional possessiveness and psychologically controlling behavior over me and over my mother suggests that it is an artificial construct which he is attempting to overlay and thusly superimpose on reality, to gloss over the aspects of it which he finds unpleasant.
So no, it is not true that we are "unable to do anything without him" and he just wishes that the only reason anybody is able to be good at anything is through/via/due to him. 

I am coming to realize in the dusk of my 26th year alive that even when you feel truly devastated and have been consistently kicked around by certain people in your life, that we have certain hidden wellsprings of talents and fortitude, which are of a certain resilience which cannot so easily be destroyed as our detractors would hope.

Perhaps part of growing up involves embracing the hubris of being wrong sometimes about people.  I find there are times more and more where I'm happy to have been wrong... (when it's been if I had predicted something bad would occur).  However there are other times where I am unfortunately correct.

I still have to prove him wrong by doing well in the most important of those things which I set out to do but now the stakes are different.
but it just... feels better when some people like ya than when it feels like nobody does.

My old man tells me that nobody should (ever) like me ever. :slamhead:
I tightened my dating website profile to be even more aggressively antibrat and got 3 nibbles from for the most part reasonable seeming ladies (and woohoo, of those three scheduled a date with two).
It's just, :shrug: things suck a bit less when there's some people your own age going: Hey, maybe this guy would be fun to go out with.

Update (afternoon): 4 nibbles, two probable dates, one maybe.

Update: 4.28.14: Hmm, two probable dates, one possible date & yeah, it does feel better when somebody about the same age as you might possibly like you [!].
I think it is awesome.

I'm also going to try to get back into making flash animation. Last time I tweened anything was back in '07.

Any tutorials about animating mouth movements for when characters are talking that could be thrown my way would be greatly appreciated (I'd kind of like to make cartoons of us doing standup or to go with the narration for when a comedian is telling a funny story) ^^;.

I looked into how to sync audio files to flash projects so that sound is added already but my gut says I'm going to be rusty now that I'm picking this stuff up for the first time again after about 6-7 years away from it.
I'd have to say my two greatest fears are a fear of drowning and a fear of marriage.

I can swim pretty well but I feel like I'd want my death to be a glorious one and that succumbing to the elements, basically being nature's bitch isn't as cool as say getting felled by an angry mob, burned at the stake or any other thing where you put out a last stand against innumerable odds.  The important principle is to go down fighting.

As far as why marriage is something I am afraid of, - I feel like until I meet somebody who wouldn't just want me to have as someone to order around or try to control that this institutionalized concept, this societal notion just is not something that would be an appropriate endeavor for me to undertake.  Also, right now I don't get paid very much.  I am studying advanced sciences and have a strong interest in medicine... I have invested a ton of time and money into making my education be as thorough as possible,... which in the end, long term is going to be worth it financially and because I love doing work that actually has to do with my field but in the meantime, short term (as a college student, no duh of course!) does not translate into fast (or particularly big) cash.  When I am a research scientist, a doctor, a guy working with developing treatments involving gene therapy and regenerative medicine, dabbling in pharmacology, etc. then I'll make decent enough money.  I would like to wait at least until I'd be in a place of enough financial stability to be able to pretty much guarantee I'd always be able to contribute my portion toward supporting a family, when and if the time comes for that.  People who want to get married young kind of creep me out (no offense meant toward anybody reading this who happens to have been married young though!).   My two most recent exgirlfriends wanted to rush the whole marriage thing and that just... I'm sick of people acting like even though they absolutely wouldn't give me the time of day to consider how I'd be as a boyfriend, insist on thinking I'd be great marriage material... that is, usually up until they realize my financial situation and the seriousness of the family responsibilities I already have.  Then they drop away like flies. :laughing: :raincloud:

Of course, rather than admit to being a superficial bitch who just wants a sugar daddy to take care of her and (honestly at least due to the way they treat you it comes across that what they desire is for you to) be a doormat for which supposed privilege I am supposed to be ever so grateful without ever receiving anything in return (yes, even the affection overwhelmingly tends to be conditional!), they like to rewrite things into that I am like, this super horrible monster who is the scum of the earth, worst-guy-ever and blah blah blah, etc. :sarcasticclap:  ... for having the balls to put my foot down and tell her no when I find she's being too demanding or any otherwise way unreasonable.

I recognize that isn't a recipe for a happy ending which is why I don't treat people that way.

Look, all I want in a dating relationship is somebody where I can take her with me to stuff and she won't make a big huge deal out of it.  :sarcasm: The one woman telenovela crud/soap-opera act wears thin ever so quickly.  What is so flippin' hard to understand about this?
Ah I see, that isn't what they really want.  That's a relationship based on equality and people treating each other like adults, without anybody trying to lord it over anybody else using whatever methods to attempt and establish some form of superiority (usually an artificially constructed form of moral superiority. <- I'm noticing that pattern!).

I know not all women are like this.  I have very reasonable women who I am friends with who don't pull that crap on people.
Yet, somehow, whenever I am dating somebody or there is a definite potential for romance to occur, about eight to nine times out of ten some little switch in her brain gets toggled partway through the relationship and instead of a lovely companion to enjoy going out to things with or have conversations, I find myself getting instead a hypercontrolling, bratty spoiled bitch.  I do not particularly enjoy out of control, overly self-indulgent people who stomp on everybody else's rights.  :pointandlaugh: That is about the most unsexy thing I can think of ever.
  • Drinking: lots of water