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Think I should possibly look into it at some point.
Every other interaction I have with my lab partner follows in her trying to passive-aggressively screw me over.  Whether it is answering me when I ask if there is anything she'd like me to help her with in the experiment our table is doing that she thinks I should basically go off in the corner and do my own thing (after taking over most of it herself so there isn't much for me to do), or acting extremely put upon if I ask her some stuff to double check the procedure or confer results, this chick is hostile.
These actions are up to and including trying to use that I am a writer against me by claiming I was trying to work on a book instead of paying attention in class during the lecture and that this was "distracting her from learning" to the professor, or so he had taken me aside in his office during lunch to explain.  I'm pretty sure I only work on chapters during the break between lecture and lab though so wtf.
Wow... people are kind of insular dicks no matter where you go.  That's disappointing.

I'm roughly 200 miles from any of my friends I do have too, out here. :O_o:

I certainly don't have any in class, that's for sure.
Yeah I know. :shrug: Seems like where ever I go I end up pissing people off. :roll:

And I'd much rather be designing things or solving problems than dealing with these petty people politic drama things too so oh well and what the hell I guess. :sarcasticclap:…
Basically, any time you see some sort of creature or "monster" in the catalogue ... ;P mostly those.
  • Mood: Stuck

I believe this animated clip was originally made by the professor of a medical school as a study aide for his students.
I found it amusing...
Critics of psychiatry claim it is all just excuses to shove expensive pills down people's throats...
I'd argue that it isn't all willy-nilly though and there's a rather complex set of methods to who you give which pills and for what... at least when you are practicing it correctly.  The choice of using the tune of the Modern Major General song from Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance lends itself well to the baffling and at times nightmarish convolution of this branch of medicine in my opinion.
  • Mood: Egghead
If the sample I'd obtained earlier this week from the saliva and mucus inside my mouth and cultured on a petri dish with some Mitis salivarius agar is going to have its biota composition reflect that I was still sick at the time I'd made it.  That media is designed to show breakdown of dextran I think... so you can use it to culture stuff that eats sugar.

Today professor was explaining to us about the natively endogenous? and transient types of bacteria we can harbor.
I know they can interact with each other and that sometimes when we get sick it is from picking up a pathogenic species that displaces our normal body microbiota altering the makeup.

Well, that's f*cked:

Journal Entry: Thu Sep 18, 2014, 4:37 PM

As I sit here throwing together data results for the discussion sections to the experiment write-ups in my lab manual, it occurs to me that as of the time at which I'm writing this the last girl to kiss me  was one of my quite terrible, narcissistic and histrionic ex-girlfriends.  :facepalm: The one who demanded I promise to marry her, immediately after which she'd turned around & said that she couldn't because I was supposedly "too evil" (something I find highly subjective), that there'd never be any consummation if we did (she was terrified of sex I guess?), and that she no longer wanted to, then after I decided okay, guess that's off, after we broke up she'd turned around and revisited it trying to use that as one last desperate bludgeon to beat me upside the head with in order to try and force me to talk to her again and break the vow of silence I'd made.  Her poor manners were of deep disgrace to me, my friends, and family and like most people lacking in proper refinement, she failed to recognize that she was really in no position to be demanding anything.  :roll: Asserting more or less that she hoped I'd be going to Hell for having had my fill of her endless emotional abuse in a final rant, outraged at how I could be happier to be away from her than when we were together, it became once again apparent to me that here is a person possibly too selfish to decently understand the core principles behind holding a relationship with another human being.

Then there was the one before that who talked "through" a stuffed animal puppet as though she had a split personality and would inflict (minor) physical injury on me any time I said or expressed a feeling she did not approve of, opinion she disagreed with or said something on a topic which she found to be unpleasant.  She was angry that she couldn't force me into marrying her too.  Equally histrionic but in a different way, this one would fuss and fume that so much as a proverbial accidental pinprick had to mean you were attempting to harm her intentionally and rage about that , yet felt that herself doing intentional harm to someone else on purpose out of anger was okay, that somehow she was on a different level above everybody else. :bleh:

It's just... the personalities of these girls... did not strike me as being healthy ones, and I would really not want to bring up children in a family with any mother that irresponsible.  Of course in theory, trying to point that out to said bratty and selfish immature people would not be advisable.  In practice it proved to very much not be. :skullbones:

Failing to understand the level of complexity behind my choice of subject matter I studied, nor the stresses particular to my situation, both insisted I had to be stupid to be taking "so very long" in their opinion to be studying medicine and science.

In closing, I should hope that when in future dating situations I will have learned enough from those two bad relationships to have a better idea what to avoid in prospective new ones. :sarcasticclap:
You see, to those two ex-girlfriends, the idea that the man too should have some say in where he would like a relationship between him and the woman to go was a wholly alien, also possibly frightening foreign concept which one could go so far as to surmise was at odds with what must have been their pre-established running life narratives inside their imaginations. :cynic:

I'd thought it would be the most tactful and diplomatic way to go about severing ties to allow them to believe they were the ones dumping me when we broke up.  They eventually saw through this and commenced stalking me with an inordinate number of phone calls, texts, e-mails, etc. for months on end after the end of the relationships, I guess still processing through while trying to refuse to accept that with enough acting out and consistent behaving horribly (both in public and private) that the logical result is a person can simply fall out of love with you.  It was always all just endlessly about their feelings, since often they would respond in a hostile manner to any attempts on my part to bring up any of mine, that I had some, and that maybe, just maybe, if you would like to have a "healthy" relationship that the feelings of both parties should be considered valid.  I found myself having to fulfill an uncomfortable psuedo-parent/therapist role, unpaid and uncompensated for all the hours lost listening to all of their minor problems, since neither seemed terribly bothered to possibly care what possible things I might have to attend to in my life or other stuff going on which did not immediately involve endlessly doting upon them.

What if anything was I getting out of either of these relationships? Well, it certainly wasn't a healthy sex-life, an improved sense of spiritual fulfillment, or anything else to positively much enrich my life.  It did however, function to improve my personal understanding of abnormal psychology!

Some More Social Observation:

Journal Entry: Wed Sep 17, 2014, 11:41 AM

One thing that is disturbing to me is the particular ease with which we can assign character judgments to the supposed morality of others around us not based on what they do (that is, their actions), but rather on the similarity or dissimilarity of their preferences to our own.

As long as the indulgent activity in question is not to hurt people, you'd think these would-be arbiters of purity and justice/truth would be satisfied, but no.

To some, even admitting to possessing particular "vices" is tantamount to admitting being some sort of horribly depraved monster of a human being, regardless.  I think that these "bad habits" are a particular aspect of human nature though, so the only ones really worth curbing or practicing restraint against in our day to day lives are the more harmful ones.

Most people can agree that hurting others is bad.  They tend to be a bit more divided though on whether harming oneself is as bad, with some holding that it is and others saying people have freedom to harm themselves should they choose to do so, provided that the methods are not ones that will also hurt other people.  Which is rather dark.

What about harming fictional people though, as say in a violent video game or action packed movie?  Some say it desensitizes us to real violence and others that as long as you don't get a fuzzy fantasy-reality boundary and decide your life is the plot of a violent story (thereby trying to weakly justify or excuse wholesale injury and killing of bystanders... claiming that the movie or videogame made you think "it would be okay"), that such things can be responsibly enjoyed, rather like alcohol or tobacco, gambling, foul language, pornography* (of the nonchild variety), etc.

Again, some parts of society hold that this is all bad and we'd be better off getting rid of it entirely, while others feel that attempting to morally restrict other people (excessively) is itself morally reprehensible, since you are effectively treating the greater population as a naughty little child, telling people they do not get to make their own life/adult decisions and you as a body of authority will make them all for your citizens.

I suppose that in an ideal society a compromise would be struck between these two extremes, wherein what are widely agreed to be the most detrimental vices are banned or regulated and those which are less detrimental are allowed to be partaken in (though maybe not to extreme excess?).

The trouble in that is since strictness will vary amongst individuals, one person will consider something mild such as swearing or reading a comic book to be on par with how another reacts to something more extreme like violent tentacle polyamorous orgy hentai.
One group of people will treat an adult choosing to engage in sexual relations consensually with another adult or making the choice to recreationally drink an alcoholic beverage the same way another group feels about those things being allowed for children, and it makes for a big headache to deal with sorting out.

I suspect such committees if they exist might at least partly be locked in protracted stalemate arguments.  Again, other things though, it is easier for bodies to widely agree about. :shrug:
It's one of those: Your mileage may vary situations.

*In regards to pornography, various bodies are divided on that too.  Some feel that all pornography is bad and should get banned wholly from society, others that the consensual based fantasy kind is okay but for who? Some say just for adults, others say for older teenagers and to a few really strict people, for nobody at all.  Also, there are gradations in that vice too.  Even without going into much specific detail about the smorgasborg of diverse fetishes in this world, you can attempt to broadly classify it.  You have violent pornography, nonviolent, non coercive fantasy based, coercive fantasy based (yes, :facepalm: some people have a rape fantasy or getting kidnapped fetishes), cartoon or indirect type ("softcore"), live-action or more direct ("hardcore"?), etc.  However, in the interest of not allowing this entry to become too long and rambling I will forgo putting out a lengthy in-depth analysis of it.

It is my belief that what makes a person "bad" is less about what they like and more about their actions towards others.  I say less because in the off chance the ugly spectral head of an exception rears itself, such as a hypothetical person who enjoys inflicting pain on others, I've still got all bases covered.

Another case study in Abnormal Psychology:

Journal Entry: Tue Sep 16, 2014, 11:52 AM
There are certain individuals for whom more adult methods of problem solving were not imparted, and for these people the childhood method of throwing a tantrum in order to get their way seems to be the go-to tool in their noggin.  They persist in such outbursts of misbehavior well into their physical and chronological adulthood, being emotionally locked at a more immature stage in this respect.

Why do such people do this?
I believe it is a control thing.  See, in their warped sense of understanding, these people feel that their own feelings are realer than real so instead of dealing with the same reality that the rest of us collectively will face they go: "I reject your reality and substitute my own!".
As children, when we tantrum, adults will generally drop what they are doing to attend to the crying baby or kid with a skinned knee so that they stop making so much incessant noise and disturbing the other people who are around.

Most of us outgrow this at a certain stage of development, if not completely then at least we reach a level where we can cognitively and intellectually understand that throwing a tantrum will not always get us what we want, nor is it necessarily the most desirable course of action in numerous social settings.  Appearing as irrational can usually be considered dangerous to oneself and one does so at risk of never again being taken seriously by one's community.

To return to the initial query though, why these people tantrum when not having everything go exactly their way is yes, a form of protest.  They are throwing their feelings at a situation since the facts will not line up with it, perhaps hoping that by their throwing enough mud and smokescreens around, that other people will side with them.  Sometimes, for fear of being the next target and object of said tantruming person's rage, people will comply.

I find that generally speaking an emotional calmness is more powerful than these outbursts.  Myself I tend to have bouts of anxiety and depression now and again and these taught me that our feelings can lie to us, that there are times they are wrong, we can be misled by relying on them too strongly, and that to hold them as an immutable and absolute truth when they can be subject to error can lead one to jump to erroneous and incorrect conclusions.

One must be cautious not to be too led by one's feelings because doing so can lead a person to be close minded and have a rather flawed reasoning.  However, there is a balancing line  to maintain, since completely ignoring feelings is not desirable either.
There are negatives to ignoring the feelings of others as there are of ignoring your own, however, it has tended to be my experience that the particular sorts of individuals whom I had illustrated at the beginning of us have a stock in trade mechanism of using their feelings as weapons to try and 'win' arguments.   If confounded by a large body of evidence to the contrary of their claim these people will state that they "still feel that you are wrong" as though this is somehow the final say in the matter. Often  much grief can be avoided during these times by just letting them continue to think that.

I suppose then, that rather than the two extremes of completely indulging in one's feelings vs completely ignoring them one should strive to be questioning of them instead?  It is not so cut and dry and I suspect not entirely simple. :headache:

  • Reading: about innate vs adaptive immune response
  • Watching: Ace Attorney
  • Playing: Some godawful typo-ridden text game
  • Eating: Applesauce
You know how in Marvel Nightcrawler and Cloak have access to a supposed "darkforce dimension" which is something they manipulate in order to use their powers to teleport, energy drain, transport and so on?
Well, what if instead of dipping in and out of a dimension that is phased differently than ours you had a character who had access to it but pulled matter from it instead to add to or subtract from his or her body as a way to partially shape shift?

That could be kind of cool if you pulled it off right.

A variation on certain standard Lovecraftian themes... this super/meta would create sort of portals but only across the surface of their body as a way to form Eldritch abominable appendages/structures for obvious combat applications (think temporary acid spewing orifices on outer extremities, extensile tendrils, etc.).
  • Mood: Helpful
You know, for a country that identifies itself as a republic, Americans seem to not quite get that there is no royalty here.  Look man,
you actually don't have to bow most of the time and there was a time where when abroad it was considered normal for an American to simply shake hands with a foreign dignitary (c. 1960 I believe?).

Also, I'm sick of little girls who think they are princesses and expect to be waited on.
That translates into young women who demand their unrealistic expectations are met in adult relationships.  People who don't understand a relationship takes time to develop, and insist on marriage right off the bat or exclusivity from the get go... and get angry when you tell 'em to slow down.

I've also gone out with some people where they obsess and freak out all the time that somehow any time you spend away from them it has to mean you're cheating (on 'em). Um, no... just chill the f*ck out, sometimes people have to spend some time away to do school and work.  Ironically, if you constantly second guess someone in spite of absence of evidence to base said doubts on, that can serve as a force to drive them away from you, and to pursue seeing other people.

Then there are the people who are so immature they don't understand that just because people have a sexual side does not mean that is all there is to them and suddenly look down on you from some high horse that ever expressing the occasional bit of horniness has to mean you have some kind of moral failing of character because they are so blahdittyblat better than you (:shakefist: You terrible sinner who has to repent immediately, elstwise be struck by lightning! :sarcasticclap: Overdramatic much?).

Who the hell are you to make all kinds of demands on somebody whom you have not even met or really gotten to know yet?
To make a long string of demands on someone before going out on the first date just reads as being a spoiled bitch. :unimpressed:

Look, okay, you probably aren't going to instantly know whether you love somebody or not the majority of the time.  It will take several dates before you even have reasonable grounds with which to decide if you want to take your new relationship any further or not, just to get to know the other person.  Get used to it.

I mean, so maybe I'm a little cynical and jaded, but I don't believe in "predestination."
That is to say, there might be some sort of preset plan whatever powers that be have for us mortals but guess what, that's something for them to know, not us... so don't expect to be able to read your entire fate all at once in advance.
:shrug: Maybe that's just the promethean part of me as a thinker, science person and writer rebelling against the shackles of those who would assert that we have no free will.

Or maybe acting like you have no control over anything in your life that you do is a way of being intellectually lazy to avoid responsibility for your decisions.
I think we forge out own fate with the decisions that we make in our lives.  It's about actions people.
Don't you want to transcend and become the ultimate you by advancing and progressing?
Isn't there a little, leetle, teeny part of you that is at least partly curious about testing your limits and growing, that would be interested in seeing what you are truly capable of?

Since we aren't supposed to totally know how everything in our lives is going to be before we set out to make our way, you might as well deal with things in stages, a bit at a time.

That doesn't mean don't have long and short term plans or any goals to stick to, it just means that being flexible is a good thing.  There are so many opportunities abounding... sheesh.
:hmm: Sure I decided ahead of time what I wanted to be when I grew up but I didn't know exactly what kind of medicine I'd practice and specific technologies I'd dabble in, back when I was twelve.
  • Mood: Cat Fight

Okay, so let's say you overslept and are about to miss the bus or will be late to class/work if you don't get out the door NOW, RIGHT NOW.  You don't have time for a proper breakfast and if you're going to eat at all before heading out to face the day, you certainly aren't going to have enough time to separately eat and drink something to have a complete breakfast. :O So what do you do?  Usually I do the following:

This:… plus this:…
= win.
Explanation: Pour latte on cereal instead of milk.  Now you've got coffee and cereal at the same time for an adult take on a childhood favorite.
Garnish with brown sugar if you like or some chopped fruit and that's all there is to it.

I'm a teensy bit nervous about a blind date from the Internet I have this afternoon.  On the bright side she didn't react in a hostile manner to my revealing to her I've had a ton of short stories published (the last person I told about enjoying doing scifi and fantasy writing, to quickly recap, responded with an: Aah :cynic: get away from me :sarcasticclap: you freak. :bored:).

In other news, I got my 70th Short Story published this week. :faint:

How are you guys doing?
Advanced disclaimer: Yes, I know I've already done this type of rebuff of anti-dissection opinions before.  For some reason this morning though I felt like I ought to revisit it to see if I could sum it up perhaps a bit more succinctly and eloquently. :shrug:

I am a biologist.
That means I like to study living and dead things to see how they work.

It doesn't mean I'm some sort of sadistic a-hole :sarcasticclap: Thanks California!

:shrug: ... [I] Never quite got what was up behind all the fussing made by the anti-dissection people.
My rationale that it isn't cruel to the animal model because the thing is already dead tended to go over like a lead balloon. :roll::laughing:
You aren't cutting apart a live animal.  What you are working with when you dissect something is pretty much a mummy.

Also, it died so that you might be able to study it and get a greater appreciation for the inner workings of it and the natural world around you.

Why so babyish about always wanting everything to be super sanitized and several stages removed from the physical reality around us? :O_o:

If you have to fuss about something... (here's a thought!) try not to be super misinformed about it.
You aren't cutting into something that is still alive because that would be vivisection.

I've heard these what I'd have to say strike me as pretty lame sounding arguments from some people that supposedly they think we already know everything that can possibly be found out from studying actual real specimens so everybody should move on to just using plastic or software models... and usually my counter to them ( :omg: Aah! :sarcasm: So evil, right?) is that physiologists continue to discover new, previously unrecorded glands every year (and occasionally small muscular structures, skeletal details, once in awhile entire organs, etc.) which it would be impossible to include on virtual models and replicas that were manufactured before said parts were known about. 
:evileye: ...So, basically: if I am understanding this right: what you are saying, is _you feel good trying to morally restrict everybody else down to your own personal level of stupidity? :sarcasticclap:  <- That seems to be the underlying message being made behind the messages of those sorts of types of people.
However :disbelief:, they often tend to react very negatively towards you when you point that out to them! Imagine that!

I mean, I guess there could be some sort of a perceived animal rights issue in some of it if you wanted to look at things that way, since you can't exactly have an animal sign a form saying: I want to donate my body to be studied post-mortem by anatomists.  Yet, one would probably legally distinguish this from other less morally savory acts such as body snatching or grave robbing.  :hmm: It's a bit of a stretch (one also suspects such a platform would be flavored by how overly dramatic the presenter likes to show his or her side of the argument).

... Unless you actually are digging up and exhuming people's dead pets and service animals to use them for student instruction without obtaining those people's permission(s)! Now that, that is something I could perceive people taking what in my opinion is a legitimate moral issue with to be concerned about.
My guess is that when there is a lack of proper documentation from the deceased about what to do with the body of a person or animal, that the next closest group of people to consult with for permission to exhume, mummify, etc. it for purposes of medical, veterinary or other scientific study would be the estate having rights over said body, or the closest presently living people related to the deceased? :hmm: I mean, that's an interesting moral dilemma too.  One would assume that after death, the physical body of a person or animal stops being considered an entity and is categorized as a thing, right?  However, that underlies taking a certain fundamental religious or philosophically based assumption that on dying the soul departs from said physical body.  There's a potentially slightly sticky issue there which is: Who are you to be making assumptions of what the departed would have wanted to actually be in the position to be speaking for him/her/it in their place in the first place? :O_o:

I'm thankful to the people and animals whose bodies have in some way or other wound up being on the dissecting table for study since it advances the structural, anatomical and physiological understanding of living systems civilization has, one corpse at a time.  I should hope in the case of people at least that (the majority of) these dead bodies were ones where while still living the person in question had signed a document stating they were okay with having their body be donated to science, and not stolen ones that were purchased from the black market.  I would hate to think that a cadaver being used for dissection had been one which was murdered and obtained without consent (there have been a number of fictional horror stories about this sort of thing and it has been documented to have actually happened during certain times in history, necessitating legislation by various governments against such body snatchers/"resurrectionists").

Also, who do you get permission from as an archaeologist, paleontologist or anthropologist when you are doing a dig to get stuff of cultural importance you'd like to put in a museum from some tribal burial ground or the tomb of the citizen to some past civilization?  <- I'm assuming you'd talk to the current government of the country the site is located in or the folks who are currently living nearby it, right?
That's something I'd be curious to look into the legal ramifications of at some other time when I've got a moment, but if I stop to examine it right now I'll miss the last bus to get to class on time.  I do know some of this has federal and reservation government precedents (in regards to tribal artifacts, bones belonging to a person's ancestor, etc.).
You see, unfortunately it is a morning class and also one in which we study various disease causing pathogens so just by waking up and typing this tidbit of mental wandering out I've already pretty much guaranteed that I'm going to be late.
  • Mood: Annoyed
I have been attacked and verbally rebuked numerous times as a straight male for wanting to establish relationships or a relationship with a woman, that unless it be concretely for the express eventual goal of marriage and/or settling down (which you had to have magically somehow been precognizant of in advance from the beginning) that this is some hideous evil.* :unimpressed:
Hey, guess what?: :megaphone: EFF YOU (and your freaking conformist traditionalist immature ways of thinking, too).

*Usually by the girls themselves though also by elders they are related to or certain misguided but perhaps well-intentioned authority figures.  This would typically happen all throughout my adolescence and has continued on through my adulthood to an extent.

There are so many much more worse things than just going out with somebody and not being super sure if you'd want to "take the plunge" and get wtf shotgun married. I laugh.

It's called being practical and pragmatic rather than impulsive and romantic.  Grow up.
Which is funny because all those reptillian motives behind trying to control who it is people are allowed to interact with and forge relationships with is in itself at least somewhat machiavellian and decidedly calculating. But Luke, you may interject, how could you say such a dreadful and cynical thing?  Is it not wrapped in pretty pink ribbons and rainbow bows with lace?  <- Yes, yes it is, but that is what makes it all the more dastardly in my opinion.  Presenting itself as something it is not in order to shape the way people perceive the world around them to have it be to someone else's advantage... once you strip it of its cutesy costumery quite often is not the animal which you initially think you had.   What you thought was a bunny rabbit turns out was a mountain lion (how such a glaring taxonomic and zoological miscategorization could have been perpetrated by you I am not sure; perhaps you had been drinking or looking through the wrong end of a telescope?). :O

Basically, one of my exes was very hung up on the subject of slut shaming, and though it was nothing I ever did, she would constantly grill me with these inquisitions about if there was a negative thought in my head about her supposed (though frigid and near nonexistent for the majority of the duration of our lame little excuse for a relationship) sensuality... which there was not... insisting there was... which my inner psychologist then had a field day interpreting and analyzing!

Some people project their own fears into negative thoughts they imagine are inside your head and directed towards them too.  Anybody who argues with seriousness repeatedly about things which you have never specifically said but he or she "feels" you might think... is not basing their reactions in the same world the rest of us are living in.  It is their own strange little world bound by emotional impulses but not physical or natural laws.

For my ex it was that she thought everybody was looking to call her a slut because she was too religious (stupid fundamentalist churches) and immature (stupid her for being 'too afraid' to seriously question and analyze moral matters) to get over kissing or being kissed by a boy (entirely ridiculous and overdramatic, as was much else with her :unimpressed:). With me it is more like I think people are going to hate me and insist I'm a weirdo for being perceived as the eensiest bit "off" from them mentally (probably from getting shrieked at that I'm a freak and to "go be with one of your own kind!1!!" like it's so horrible - terrible to invite somebody out with you to something or act friendly towards them :sarcasticclap:... stupid me for generalizing that onto everyone based on individual somewhat isolated events that turned out that way, without being terribly willing to revise my conclusions in light of occasional new data).

These things are irrational but grounded in our own stupid emotional fears.  Loss of reputation. Exclusion and ostracism.

I guess my anecdotal point I'm trying to make is: People don't date somebody only who they are first already in love with. That would be stupid.
You go out with somebody, preferably somebody you at least like a bit, to figure out if you could love them. And guess what? This takes time (:evileyes: stupid).
At least that's my take on it.

:depressed: I mean, on a personal introspective level, sure there's a part of you that looks back on failed relationships and wonders if you're unlikable :shrug:, but then when you analytically take it apart it becomes intellectually and cognitively evident that getting along with that person or those people would have been pretty much impossible anyway, so other than looking at it for examples of areas where you yourself can self improve to be ready for if/when the next relationship between you and another human being may occur... there really isn't any point in continuing to mentally beat yourself up excessively about it. :movingon:

Basically it's like this:  A person's mood can definitely be influenced by how much internal vs. external locus of control they perceive themselves as having in their environment.  No shit if you frame things in a way where you too strongly rely on external validation (e.g. through other people) then that is setting yourself up for potential failure.  However, if you shape your schema in such a way as to assume more of an internal locus of control... then hey, shit is less depressing and you don't feel quite as insignificant (Ex: "I'm going to make positive contributions to society regardless of whether other people like me or not!").
  • Mood: Disgust
You fear trying to meet people because you have internalized doubts and negative expectations that they will automatically dislike you.
It's not really the fear of rejection so much as it is perceiving there being small to nonexistent examples of acceptance (whether real or imaginary) in your life.
Trying to talk on the phone to request something (a service or to make an appointment) often fills you with a severe nervous dread.
Attempting to organize and set up a date with someone can be an agonizing experience.

In some ways it has gotten better but in other ways not so much.

When I was a teenager my throat used to close up and I'd blush too much when I'd try to talk to girls, to ask them out and stuff... that only went away when I was already partway through college ( :O ).

I still pretty much hate using phones most of the time.
I'll do it when I have to but a combination of bad experiences of ex-girlfriends refusing to respect my time and wracking me up giant phonebills which my dad would scream at me about and take out of my finances as well as typically having a crappy phone with either lots of signal interference or a loose speaker connection (both of which made hearing what the f*ck the person on the other end was trying to say exceedingly difficult) have left a sour taste in my mouth.

On the other hand, I have pretty much always for the most part enjoyed hosting parties... although I don't very often get invited to any (:roll: non-reciprocality is a bitch :bored:).
I don't get this fear "normal people" have of getting up and doing public speaking by themselves.
I tend to get more agitated over things like group work.

Working in a team is standable but only if/when everybody in the group actually wants to get the project done and gets that's why we were assigned it, not just some sort of a party or excuse to do too much of your own grandstand/hotdogging in your portion at the expense of the work as a whole (there's showboating if you're excited to explain something or that you realized a concept and then there's just being an arrogant asshole)...

To reiterate... I'd say social anxiety is about:
1. Feeling like you think everybody is going to hate or dislike you
2. Dreading particular social situations, be they exotic or mundane
3. Overestimating the amount of failures and believing that successful interaction or relationship building is if not impossible, then at least extremely improbable.

It's a set of baggage that either it makes you or you allow it to shape your consciousness by clogging up your "thought and feelings space"* with a bunch of negative schemas. :headache:

*Not an actual term that psychologists would use but I feel like it pretty aptly describes to you what I'm referring to with the meaning I had in mind.
  • Mood: Frustrated
fictional twitter accounts of Sigmund Freud are now following me on Twitter.
Not sure why the "father of modern psychology" decided to add me but that is pretty funny.
:shrug: I do tend to make fun of morays and how we cover up various subconscious crappola though... :hmm: :plotting:
  • Mood: Dead
I just remembered, I don't have any posters to put on the walls in my apartment yet.  Spent the past two days with all the blinds down just resting.  That's probably not going to be a way to meet anybody.  The lock to the door seems somewhat elaborate and it took me two or three tries to get it to pop,... ate dinner on the front porch looking out last night.

One of my neighbors is some guy who likes listening to music with the drum part overdriven using a bass subwoofer (indoors instead of from a car which to me seems odd) and sometimes has a hacking cough at night that I can hear through the wall*.  The others seem pretty quiet.

*I'm starting to think those cigarette butts on the ground outside were his and not belonging to the girl in the unit below me.
  • Mood: Unheard
  • Listening to: Weird Al
First off, there are a ton of gold diggers. Then, after you sift them out, there are a ton of religious fundamentalists who will shriek fire and brimstone at you that romance or even just going out with somebody on a date* is this spectacularly evil sin and means you want sex and their pervy God is all up in everybody's crotch business all the time so how dare you use a form of safe contraception that has been proven and effective since the 1500s (I am talking about of course, that ever so clever little sheathe-envelope known as the condom aka Jimmy Hat :giggle: aka "rubbers" :facepalm:).  Okay, stop and breathe. Take a deep breath and blink a little bit to try and make sure you have not spontaneously been struck by God lightning and instantaneously transported to a deep circle of Hell for committing such perceived indiscretions that would not fly in circa 7th-12th Century Europe. Burn the WITCH! Kill the SORCEROR! You must Repent for your SINS oh FOUL ONE! etc." :sarcasticclap:. :onfire:  :cries: "I swear, I only looked at that dame's ankles for like a split second! :nuu: Please don't stone me... or at least :shrug: if you do :hmm: you might :roll: be nice about it and just use the little rocks this time!"

*Because mind control by elders that the only socially approved nontaboo outlet for such feelings is the institution known as marriage?  And at that preferably one that is between members of two families that have been ascertained to be financially fortuitous and/or politically influential?... is so like totally modern broseph. :slap:

Also, why do I get the distinct feeling that even Ancient World people like Solomon and Jesus would be rolling their eyes at some of the wrongheaded lengths people go to act like we are still in the full on primeval primordial state of life that was the Old Testament (except) during the 21st Century?

My denomination was never really super about this whole you-will-eternally-roast-forevermore in-a-seething-pit-of-moaning-unrepetent-souls swarming in-a-scalding-hot-lake-of-fire while Satan pokes you with a cocktail toothpick to see if you're the proper amount of brown on the outside but juicy on the inside in some kind of an evil barbecue (like all so many weenies) ... due to every teensy tiny mortally flawed infraction of moral decency humans are capable of doing during a lapse of judgment within any point of their lifetime (like saying or thinking a curse word was ever on the same level as kicking puppies or shoving an old lady in a shopping cart down a hill that has a coating of broken glass at the bottom? :unimpressed:).  Oh yeah, we have a Hell and a Heaven and all that stuff too as part of the major schemas within the framework of our theistic cosmology just as any other Christian buddy, but rather than trying to bully people into joining your church and giving the most money to a collection plate by talking about it and how you think Doomsday is around the corner all the time (so that everybody better stop whatever they are doing Now, RIGHT NOW :sprint: to go to your center and immediately start with the absolutions and the flagellations :dizzy: and the begging of the forgiveness to save the sorry shit stain which you call a soul), my church emphasized trying to act civilized and being a good neighbor.
</end religious rant>

P.S. Also please reward yourself with a cookie.

Look, okay... If I start out assuming the basic premise that God made men and women, that's fair right?  Then it would also follow that you cannot tell me that everybody for all time always just immediately only went out with the one who would be their ultimate life partner because The Creator decided to give you this perfect vision that came to you of exactly every minute detail in a huge long laundry list of how your potential mate must be physically, mentally and spiritually + emotionally.  It is my belief that the only way for a person to find the better half that is indeed their better half (as the one who is 'right for them') is to experiment around during your formative years in order to gain some modicum of experience.  As in, having to muckrake and wade through the squishy and smelly human social equivalent of raw untreated sewage that goes up to your ankles or thighs in order to gold pan for this analogy's few fleks of precious metal that represent people who don't completely on the whole suck... is in all likelihood actually pretty normal. ;P

<- That, to me, is what dating seems to overwhelmingly ubiquitously be about.
  • Mood: Rant
Disclaimer: No gold-diggers, phoneys or husband-hunters please thanks. They will be blocked. Pretty much everybody else is welcome though.

I'm a college student and work a bunch of jobs and was kind of hoping if I do this right I could find somebody where we'd get along pretty well and going out might make things feel oh say maybe just a little bit less dead inside?

If you don't like *actual* nerds then you probably aren't going to want to go out with me because I do writing for a living and study GENE SPLICING & CLONING. Yeah, yeah... biotech is Godzilla and blah, blah, blah. I've already heard it. Get over it. Guy has a brain. OMG. Grow up; It's Silicon Valley, plenty of people do.

Let's try and behave decent (or at the very least be "properly" indecent :-P) because I'm like so over histrionic little spoiled twerps with goddess complexes who grief you and make mountains out of molehills.
If you're brave enough to go on an actual date let's take this interaction a little further and arrange a meeting. Otherwise let's not waste your or my time any more than the time already gone spent reading each other's profiles. I HATE insincerity and it's my biggest/#1 turn off. .

I'll go out with women who range in size from petite to plus-sized-princess as long as they can behave themselves decently in public. Also, no real particular preference when it comes to race (race: human? Sounds good. No orcs, goblins, bugbears, trolls, G*ddamned space aliens or replicants please!). On that note, I am white so if you hate white people, then PASS/NEXT - it isn't going to work.

I am somewhat particular about the psychological map of the people I go out with which you've already gotten by this point from reading what I've highlighted in writing this profile.

What you'll get going out with me is a guy who basically for all intents and purposes doesn't give a sh*t what the other women in the room look like because I'd be paying attention to you for being one that after all had the good sense to be going out with yours truly in the first place (not them)! Let me reiterate: this may be a bit of a no brainer but just by being the girl I am on a date with, that automatically kinda puts you a notch above the others.

Yeah, if we go on subsequent dates and stuff goes a little more serious heading into relationship territory then hopefully you'll be okay with me kind of showing you off a little to some of my friends ("My girlfriend _________ [Insert name] is so freaking awesome/funny/kind, etc.") because yeah, I do that. Not sure what guy doesn't. As in I am G*ddamned proud to be seen with you in public (that you're my date, in itself is cool, putting things plain and simple!), so just kick any self-conscious insecurity over personal appearance in the ass & right out the door. I'm a straight red-blooded American male. That pretty much means if I want to go out with you, I already think you're at least okay in that department (it's a given; nearly goes without saying).

A relationship?: It wouldn't be me and you versus the entire world, but we'd know we could depend on each other a little bit sometimes. As in nonenemies. You know, partners. Also, cuddling is nice. I like getting to give/receive hugs and kisses so please [fingers crossed] don't be a person who hates being touched. 

Look, another thing about me is that I like writing and drawing. You don't have to also (it isn't a dealbreaker) but at least try to be somewhat tolerant of that.
Lastly, no pre-op trannies, religious fundamentalists or single moms either please; Gotta love the Internet, right?
I'd consider myself a moderate Republican so I tend to crush about as hard on entrepreneur tradeswomen and business ladies as I do on punk chicks. We can still gel if you're kinda liberal though because there's that moderate part but if you're FAR left that's almost as bad to me as far right, got it?
Ex: I find Whole Foods OBNOXIOUS, but Sprouts much less so.
Ex2: I'll agree that animal cruelty is bad but I personally can't stand Cirque de Soleil (I find it extremely pretentious).

Second disclaimer:  I may not have the largest muscles, fanciest car or fattest wallet... so please get over that or just move on (you shallow bishes. :shakefist:)

                                        (hypothetical (sadly)): First Date:
The first date, should you have the stones to go on an actual date with me, would be something short and simple of minimal fuss like a cafe-side chat* over some tea or espressos. Or if you hate caffeine we could go for some juice or smoothies instead, possibly even a milkshake. This isn't the 50s so they don't have "malt shops" so much anymore but if you do happen to know of a good retro diner, let me know, alright? ;-P

Don't even worry about what to wear. You can dress casual (really, the important thing is that you ARE wearing clothes! I personally don't have body image issues with the female form but apparently greater society does, so much so there are times we fuss more about blurring out people's nipples on television than their actual genitalia).

You know the drill when it comes to blind dates: Keep the logistics solid, make sure your phone is charged, tell some people you trust where you're going to be and how long you think you'll be out for, and if you're nervous, it's okay to bring a friend or even a chaperone. I won't make fun of you about that; I know some cultures haven't totally wrapped their heads around nor fully grasped the idea of American style "dating."
^ That being said though, this IS a dating site and NOT an arranged/matchmaking one.

To give you some perspective, what has got to be hands down the worst date I have ever been on was one where I took a girl (who was a religious fundamentalist) out to lunch and the food the restaurant served was bad so we all got food poisoning and ended up spending the evening worshiping the porcelain throne together while she was on the phone between puking, telling me she thought it was God punishing us for the supposed 'sin' of dating. Keep in mind pretty much anything is better than that.
The best date I've ever been on is yet to be determined... Hmm, it might be one with you.

More disclaimers: Let's be realistic: If you have an insane nit-picky arm-length list of impossible criteria about how you won't settle for less than mr. perfect, that probably isn't me! I don't have the largest muscles, fanciest car or fattest wallet so do try to get real (I do have a sense of humor however, also manners). That means none of this "Men are from Mars" crap is going to fly baby, :-P we're two halves of the same species, so everybody treats everybody human or no deal.
*Maybe chat about if you have a particular favorite gothic horror short story by Poe or Lovecraft (that always wins extra points in my book!). On a less snobbish note, I'm equally at ease with if you like a cartoon or TV show; I hear that new-ish BBC Sherlock Holmes set in modern times is supposed to be pretty good. Do you like anime or have a favorite comic book character? Give me something to work with here!

*And commence the crickets chirping.* :facepalm:
  • Listening to: Devo
For advice about how to spice up your sex life.  I'll probably put my brain to it and come up with some sort of an answer (because I always do when asked stuff) but it'll drive me to drink.

Have you ever felt like you were basically rejected by the entire human race and are at best sometimes tolerated but never accepted?
  • Listening to: Devo
Several of my female penpals keep asking me for advice in their relationships.  The thing is though I'm a hermit with aspergers. :facepalm:
I don't mind giving it really but feel a bit wonky afterwards.

You see, men and women aren't super different but culture is stupid and likes to make a big deal about it. :lol:

It's a touch bitter to me because in my own experience the majority of people I've asked out shoot me down and tell me they think I'm a freak*; that's not very nice. :C

Girls hate me :shrug: I guess.
Gotten to where I don't even want to log in to my online dating profiles anymore and haven't in about a month.  I like my profile I put together on Plenty of Fish but kept getting treated like crap and had to block a bunch of icky fickle little brats... Ugh. Lol.
You know the type, that kind who get mad when you don't magically intuit what they supposedly really meant vs what they "said." Gimme a break. Men aren't psychic and if you say yes you'll go out with somebody but mean no then don't exactly be surprised or pretend to be scared/outraged when the confused bastard calls you up wanting to know whether you stood him up or something came up or what.  There's no body language when chatting online, so not sure where the hell they get off treating people like that. :C

Anyway, I don't know anybody at Chico yet really. Heard there is a writer's club at this place called Beatnik's Cafe a couple miles from my apartment though so I'll try and figure out a route on GPS and Google maps to see if it's close enough to bike.  Might be able to throw together a horror novel or two...
  I kind of like H.P. Lovecraft's stuff alot and all summer was listening to audiobooks on youtube the LHS and other fans had put up.
It sure is quiet living by yourself.  Dad left this morning... think I'll have to get the hang of cooking for one, too.

Need to install drivers for the new printer and call the Comcast guys in the morning because the wireless network keeps resetting itself while I am midstreaming. :doh:
*whatever that is supposed to mean, which to me suggests they have not got much in the way of manners.
  • Watching: Mystery Science Theater 3000